Inertia. Sharp chest pains. Shortness of breath. Restlessness. General hopelessness. Every reunion with these familiar symptoms is like an awkward and painful reminder of every past incidence where I have felt their silent grip creeping up on me. Perhaps the worst part isn’t the actual discomfort or pain; it’s the uncertainty surrounding this mysterious disease. Where did it come from? What made it resurface? What can I do to make it go away?
I am afraid that it will take over my life again and take everything away that is good. The difference with previous cases is, I am much more aware of its toxic effect on others and how I may be portrayed to others. Sullen. Low-energy. Depressed. Angsty. Sad. Basically a downer to be around. I am afraid of losing K because I am not normal.
When this happens to me, I am just unpleasant to be around, and I can’t stand even to be around myself. I’m gassy, emit sour breath, and even my privates have a nauseating odor. At times like these, I feel completely demoralized, soggy – not sure why but somehow I just feel the word fits how I feel – and a pariah. I just want to escape to some place, but I don’t know where – or how. How do you escape yourself?