… so he says.

What if you didn’t? Will you leave?

My heart dipped a little and I cautiously returned his smile with a slight smile, my eyes betraying the turbulence of emotions stewing inside me. I wondered indeed, what if my monsters got the better of me? What if I were not my peppy chipper self? Memories of me splayed on the bathroom floor, in a dingy motel room, in a dark place somewhere, wailing and howling in an attempt to let go of my pain, flooded my mind. It takes a herculean effort to remain poised, tethered and controlled, and unsuspected of being “un-normal.” I’ve worked hard at hiding the parts of myself that winces at every micro-expression and slip and clue that tells me he’s caught on to my act, that I’m a high-functioning imposter barely able to hold it together. That maybe at some point, I will crumble and fall to pieces and he won’t love what he sees.

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Subject Line: Hello, From An Old Friend

Dear K,
 
How have you been? You’ve been in my thoughts lately and I have been wondering about whether I should write you. Mainly because I’m curious about how you are and whether you are well. It must be strange to hear from me six years after we last saw each other. Strange, but oh what the hell. So, how the hell are you?

I suppose if I had to guess at my motive for writing you, it might be that it’s taken me this long to process my feelings about you, the breakup, our years together and make sense of my own thoughts and inclinations. I’ve been known to procrastinate, so I’m sorry this is coming six years late. Or maybe, it is just right on time.

The thing about Colin is, deep down, I knew it wasn’t more than what it was. I needed him and he needed something from me that he wasn’t getting from his “real life.” Typing now from my patio in the San Francisco Bay Area, California, I can’t help but wonder if there’s a little bit of kismet at play here. Colin is a photographer originally from the SF Bay Area and at the time of our affair, he was an expat in Singapore with a successful and beautiful wife and kid in tow. I never really asked why he would stray from his perfect life, but I guess it didn’t matter to me at the time. I was consumed by my own need — and he checked all the boxes.

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