Love

What Now, Love?

My sincere apologies to everyone. I have been so caught up with everything that’s been going on with my life, that I neglected to write. Most importantly, I neglected the creative thirst that nourishes my spiritual life. And it’s been crowding me with details, thoughts, ideas, experiences that are just retreating to the recesses of my consciousness as stale energy. Lots of things run through my mind every day, being in a new city, being in love, being on top of the world. Why, why, why hadn’t I taken some time out of my own indolence to write about them? Now, it seems like they are all lost — because I’ve lost the immediacy of the euphoria, the proximity of emotions, the freshness of experiences to be able to capture them as clearly as it happened.

I wished I had written sooner, especially about the bursts of glow I felt as I was falling in love, over and over again, with K. When I think about him, the most beautiful image is one of his face, smiling, glowing with redness and love oozing out of his every pore in bed against a background of misty sunshine. Looking at the source of his immense joy. Me. Tears still flow down my cheeks every time I think of that moment, when I never thought I could experience such love from such a place of purity and sincerity. The kind of love people said was myth, that it only happened in Hollywood movies and fairytales. The kind of love that will make you lose yourself completely in the other.

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Love

August 18

Something had been gnawing at me all day, but it was only in the evening when daylight had gone and everything had turned to sands of dusk that it hit me. It was August 18. The day I met L seven years ago. Has it been seven years already? How did seven years go by so quickly?

Then at that point, a wave of sadness came over me and seemed to engulf me and break my current consciousness. All of a sudden, I realized what had happened. Something that had been my life had died – in the way someone had a sudden heart attack and disappears from your life, your reality. And it seemed to have happened in a flash over the last couple of months.

I had been anticipating this moment of realization. When I wrote my post “Breaking Up” in June, it had struck me how removed I was from my “former” life, as if it had all been a dream that was somehow banished into a storage area of my heart and mind. But with the end of everything comes the need to grieve, to mourn the loss of all the hours, minutes and seconds that were lived and shared and everything in between. Because how else are you able to move forward? Every moment of your life from that point forward would be haunted by the shadows and ghosts of your former life, your routines, motifs and themes that exist in your memory bank. At every instant that you get that feeling of deja vu, like you’re back in that former life, it freaks you out, because you wonder if your present reality is real, if it’s not afterall a temporal state that has usurped the former.

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Love

Breaking Up

I think of him sometimes. Not often; but from time to time, I see something that reminds me of him, of a certain memory in our past, of a certain way he would react to things, or of how he is doing. But the terrible thing is how I don’t think of him enough. In fact, he is absent from my mind and from my daily concerns most of the time. I go on with my new life, my new love and my new work without him. And that makes me feel a sense of guilt whenever I do think of him, because of the fact that we have been together for seven years and that we have shared so much together. Even if things had turned sour for the last few years or that we had become trapped in our own selfishness and inertia, we share family, common friends, common habits, pets and lived under the same roof. It scares me almost that he seems like such a distant part of my past and is stashed into an abandoned closet in my mind.

The night before I was to leave for San Francisco on my exciting roadtrip, we had one of those tiring “discussions” that we’ve been having for the last couple of years. But what was different about that discussion was that I knew it was going to be the final one — that there wasn’t going to be anymore. Maybe he knew too, but would rather pretend that things were alright than to face the truth and tried to come to terms with it. Something had broken in me just several months before — right about the time I started this blog, maybe shortly after. We had been having a lot of problems for a long time… perhaps the biggest problem is that we didn’t know why we were with each other. He was constantly unhappy with the way I did things and I was always nervous that I might be doing something wrong. And this resulted in a relationship that was at best stagnant and at its worst, stifling.

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Places, San Francisco

Oh Mila, Where Art Thou?

Yes, I’ve been MIA for a while now, but not just from you guys. Also from my family and friends back in Singapore and other places as well. Wow, I don’t even know where to start or what I should say, but the loyal followers among you would have guessed one or more of the following things from my occasional 140-character tweets:

1) I am still in San Francisco.
2) I have initiated a break-up with my husband.
3) I am in love.
4) I have found a job in Oakland, California.

Of course, the majority of you don’t give a shit and I might just be talking to myself here. But I felt a sort of responsibility to those of you who care to share the whirlwind experiences of the past two months of my life. Since I can’t explain everything in one post, I shall talk about one thing at a time. So first, why am I still in San Francisco? Wasn’t I supposed to be in various parts of the U.S. on a roadtrip that I was so psyched for?

So, logistically speaking. Initially, I planned to stay in San Francisco for only a couple of days, then David, my couchsurfing host in my next destination L.A., told me that he had to go on a business trip on the days we had agreed on. He asked if I could change my dates, and because I hadn’t booked a ticket yet, I decided to change my itinerary a little and stay a couple more days in SF. Here comes the really shitty part: after I had booked and paid for the ticket, nice guy David emails me and tells me that his business trip was cancelled and if I could change my ticket to the earlier date because it would actually be better for him. I had already set my heart and mind to staying a few more days in SF, so I suggested coming to L.A. at an even later date. Because the airline didn’t allow changes to the itinerary, I had to buy another ticket.

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Places, San Francisco

A Mid-Spring American Dream

In the U.S., or even in Europe, it seems a regular rite of passage for one ascending beyond adolescence to take a sort of a roadtrip to find oneself – to know what it is that one can accomplish and live with beyond the comforts of one’s environment. The roadtrip gives one the opportunity to experience different cultures, different opinions, different surroundings, and most of all, the chance to test the limits of one’s endurance and character, and what one would make of one’s resources in situations where your family or usual go-to friends would not be of assistance. In other words, you find out who you really are and what you’re capable of because you’re forced to and with limited resources.

When I told friends and family I was taking a roadtrip around the U.S. for several weeks, the reactions ranged from shock to worry to ridicule. When that failed to faze me, they’d find some logical reason to justify my wanting to go on a solo trip – sans husband, sans friend and sans familiar connections. “Are you alright?” “Is there something wrong?” “Are you going there to look for a job?” “Are you going to look for a boyfriend?” My mum called me several times to ask me what my husband would do for a month in Singapore without me. Well, I guess he has lived decades before he met me; he’d do fine without me for a month.

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