Places, San Francisco

Oh Mila, Where Art Thou?

Yes, I’ve been MIA for a while now, but not just from you guys. Also from my family and friends back in Singapore and other places as well. Wow, I don’t even know where to start or what I should say, but the loyal followers among you would have guessed one or more of the following things from my occasional 140-character tweets:

1) I am still in San Francisco.
2) I have initiated a break-up with my husband.
3) I am in love.
4) I have found a job in Oakland, California.

Of course, the majority of you don’t give a shit and I might just be talking to myself here. But I felt a sort of responsibility to those of you who care to share the whirlwind experiences of the past two months of my life. Since I can’t explain everything in one post, I shall talk about one thing at a time. So first, why am I still in San Francisco? Wasn’t I supposed to be in various parts of the U.S. on a roadtrip that I was so psyched for?

So, logistically speaking. Initially, I planned to stay in San Francisco for only a couple of days, then David, my couchsurfing host in my next destination L.A., told me that he had to go on a business trip on the days we had agreed on. He asked if I could change my dates, and because I hadn’t booked a ticket yet, I decided to change my itinerary a little and stay a couple more days in SF. Here comes the really shitty part: after I had booked and paid for the ticket, nice guy David emails me and tells me that his business trip was cancelled and if I could change my ticket to the earlier date because it would actually be better for him. I had already set my heart and mind to staying a few more days in SF, so I suggested coming to L.A. at an even later date. Because the airline didn’t allow changes to the itinerary, I had to buy another ticket.

Continue reading
Standard
Musings

Moon: Just Me & 1,000 Other Mes

Perhaps because I’m lonely and have always been lonely, after watching this science-fiction movie, starring Sam Rockwell, I was deeply affected by the philosophical repercussions this movie raised — one of which is the threat of cloning and the obliteration of the value of human beings, and another, more abstract, the meaning of meaning and life in extreme isolation. What are we if not for the certainty of family, our history, our social networks and our communities?

Continue reading
Standard
Musings

To Where Does This Road Lead?

It’s a question that I’ve been asking myself a lot lately. Perhaps because I’d be 30 in a couple of months. That in itself is not a scary thing — age probably doesn’t scare me as much as it does most people, and certainly not the more cosmetic aspects of it… the not-as-supple-as-before skin, the low metabolism, the other saggy bits. But it does bother me that at almost 30, I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. And the problem is I don’t know if I really want to know. Perhaps it doesn’t matter afterall, to have a concrete goal, to have a job, to “know” what it is one is supposed to make of one’s life. Who says you need to be anything, anyway?

The thing is, I know I should really be telling myself “fuck it”, but there’s just this nagging feeling picking at my mind, saying that “you have to know”, “you have to know your worth”, “don’t waste your potential”. I tell others I’m a writer, but I hardly write because I’m too afraid to write a crappy piece of work or something that somehow adds rubbish to a world full of rubbish. As a person, I’m an absurd figure of contradictions. I’m a writer who doesn’t write. I’m a student who hates studying. I’m a wife who’s not much of a wife. What the hell am I doing here?

Continue reading
Standard