“No matter what you do, you’ll always run into the same problem. It’s you.” There are some things that people say that you just can’t forget, because they are such powerful statements of who you are, what you are worth, and sometimes, those few words packed into an emotion-filled, intense sentence just get stuck in your head. Over the past 2 years, every time something has gone wrong, that sentence would pop up in my head.
It’s like a sore that just won’t go away. It’s like no matter how hard I try, I’m doomed to fail, because of some innate flaw. It’s never enough – I can never change the situation. It’s an awfully cruel goodbye gift, don’t you think? Perhaps that’s what hurts the worst, the fact that after fucking with my head for years; he deals a final blow, so powerful and potent, that its effect is still felt 2 years later. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself; I have a tendency toward self-pity, but this surely is a terrible thing for anyone to get over. When someone summarily declares you deficient in some way and drops what seems like a curse upon you, so that nothing will ever be normal again for you. Why did he do that?
I spent 7 years trying to make things better. It’s not like I never tried. It was just not meant to be. He was always fucking with my head – beating my optimism down, until in our last year together, I was a shadow of my former self, my confidence smashed into a pulp. It is of course convenient to blame someone else for your problems, but he killed my soul and he is still killing it. I hear his begrudging voice in my head every now and then, and all I can remember of him is how unpleasant everything about him is. Sometimes, I try to recall a pleasant memory, the nice things he did for me, and it’s always a blur for me. I can only remember how unpleasant it was. It was always work, a lot of work to get through the next day.