Inertia. Sharp chest pains. Shortness of breath. Restlessness. General hopelessness. Every reunion with these familiar symptoms is like an awkward and painful reminder of every past incidence where I have felt their silent grip creeping up on me. Perhaps the worst part isn’t the actual discomfort or pain; it’s the uncertainty surrounding this mysterious disease. Where did it come from? What made it resurface? What can I do to make it go away?

I am afraid that it will take over my life again and take everything away that is good. The difference with previous cases is, I am much more aware of its toxic effect on others and how I may be portrayed to others. Sullen. Low-energy. Depressed. Angsty. Sad. Basically a downer to be around. I am afraid of losing K because I am not normal.

When this happens to me, I am just unpleasant to be around, and I can’t stand even to be around myself. I’m gassy, emit sour breath, and even my privates have a nauseating odor. At times like these, I feel completely demoralized, soggy – not sure why but somehow I just feel the word fits how I feel – and a pariah. I just want to escape to some place, but I don’t know where – or how. How do you escape yourself?

Sometimes I feel like I have it harder than most. I think that I’m normal – but the fact of the matter is, I’m different from most. I find it harder to cope with most things. I get stressed much more easily. And when I do get riled up, I have to remind myself to take a deep breath and remember that things are never as bad as they seem.

I feel the tremors of the onset of a panic attack – a familiar feeling that causes me to tense up, and at the same time, go wild like a wound-up doll let loose. In times like these, I shoot straight for the door, looking for some sort of an exit, some way I can get myself out of the current situation and for someone I can rely on. At this point, and at this time, there is no one.

And I am worried for what may happen. In periods like these, my mind run wild, and my insecurities are set loose from a purgatory where they normally reside – and my emotions take siege of logic. I don’t know why I feel like this, or why I have always had these bouts of mania. I remember vignettes as a child where I would be overrun by “nightmares” of awful possibilities and be suffocated by a strange wave of sadness. Maybe I was just born sad.