I feel the tremors of the onset of a panic attack – a familiar feeling that causes me to tense up, and at the same time, go wild like a wound-up doll let loose. In times like these, I shoot straight for the door, looking for some sort of an exit, some way I can get myself out of the current situation and for someone I can rely on. At this point, and at this time, there is no one.
And I am worried for what may happen. In periods like these, my mind run wild, and my insecurities are set loose from a purgatory where they normally reside – and my emotions take siege of logic. I don’t know why I feel like this, or why I have always had these bouts of mania. I remember vignettes as a child where I would be overrun by “nightmares” of awful possibilities and be suffocated by a strange wave of sadness. Maybe I was just born sad.
I remember this strange disease becoming worse when I was a teenager. It completely took hold of me and I was crippled by the clammy claws over me. I felt like I had zero control over any situation – and allowed myself to fade away, sad, depressed, wanting attention, and desperately yet silently howling for help. There was no one. Because no one heard. There were times I tried to stop the pain – to kill myself, but I never could go through with it. Just like I never could muster enough courage or control to follow through with anything. Most days, I whimpered through life.
Yet for some reason, I couldn’t die – I continued being alive, trying, trying, trying hard to make things work – doing just enough to get by. Still, it wasn’t enough – it’s never enough. That notion of dying and death is still at the back of my mind – and I can’t get rid of it. I don’t know why. It’s as if dying would be the exit I was looking for all my life, but haven’t executed yet. I need help – and I try to get help. I try, try and try, but it’s never enough – this disease is bent on killing me – taking away my soul, feeding it with poisonous seeds of maladies, ills and disease. It’s dead set on killing me and draining me of all life – taking away everything that’s good in my life and tarnishing it with the stale breath of evil.
I don’t know what I can do. I’m lost and desperately trying to fight myself. Someone. Help. Me.